?

Log in

Previous Entry

Am I ugly?

 ...Not that I need reassurance or anything. But it sucks to hear my dad say what I do makes me an ugly person.

Because I don't think I am. What I have inked into my body or whatever makes me, me. But he doesn't like what he sees and constantly judges it.  I think he is embarrassed by me. Which is sad. That's not what I intended when I got my lip pierced or got my tattoos. And its not even physically he thinks im ugly. My life choices make me ugly. Its ugly that im wasting money on myself. Its ugly that i don't think about the "sacrifices" him and his wife made for me (they haven't done shit for me this past year"

I just...feel sad. I shouldn't though. I don't think its a bad thing that I saved up money so I can get something that I've wanted for over a year now. It'd be different if I didn't have the money but was getting it anyways. He's still getting his 800 dollars. what more does he want from me? School is completely covered and i'm solid for next year. I don't understand his expectations and when I ask him what he does want he just says, "I expect my daughter to make the right, mature decisions" WTF

so does that mean I give you all my earned money so you can pay your wife's medical bills because she thinks she's dying every other week? Its so aggravating. I feel like i'm not allowed to live around him. Every decision I make is wrong in his eyes. Everything I say, everything I do...needs to be better, but i'm doing the best I can. I can't be this super happy person 24/7 who wants to go to church every day and be bffs with his wife. It just won't happen. He acts like there's a switch that i can just flick and change. I've gone through so much mentally this year I don't get what he wants me to be. I hate that he's disappointed in me, but i don't want to change myself to fix it. Why can't he just accept me? 

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
inkyumbrella
Feb. 20th, 2011 06:01 am (UTC)
You're not an ugly person. Physically or not physically.
In your dad's slight defense...it is sort-of a parent's prerogative to not like the things their kids do to their appearances. That doesn't surprise me. But...it's also not okay to treat you differently or disrespectfully because of that, you know?

I know you logically know this, but if you have the necessary/important things taken care of, if you've got your priorities straight...there is no reason why you shouldn't use your money for what you want. It does not make you a bad person.

Also, why didn't your dad bring this up when you asked him, if he didn't want you to get it?

I can't really offer any insights into how your dad thinks, or anything. But you're not an ugly or a bad person. At all. Don't let him make you think you are.
rhinestonebliss
Feb. 20th, 2011 06:15 am (UTC)
i think my dad thought that my Grand Canyon trip would take up more money than it did. I didn't have to pay for my backpack or anything, so i think he just assumed that i'd have to use the money I saved up for my tattoo on my trip...so thats why he didn't say anything

And it's not so much the tattoo but its why brought me to write this.

He does it about everything. I told him I saw a movie last weekend and he said I could have saved the money for something more serious...

Its like he doesn't expect me to spend a dime and yet still be happy. I need clothes, food, and entertainment. Those all cost money, obviously. It's not like I go crazy either. Because I don't. I know better than that. I hate feeling guilty about all of it. I shouldn't feel guilty about seeing a movie with my friends. I shouldn't feel guilty about buying myself a new sweater with the money I earned. He didn't give me the money I spend. So why is he acting like he did, ya know?

I don't know. the whole situation is frustrating. My dad is frustrating.
inkyumbrella
Feb. 20th, 2011 06:23 am (UTC)
That's...douchey. Like...I dunno. That's not a good excuse. Like if you spending money bothers him that damned much, he should have spoken up then regardless.

Like...I don't know. I know your financial situation isn't great, and you should be careful with your money, yes, but you've always seemed to have your priorities pretty straight. And as long as you take care of the things you need to, it is your money. You don't have to feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty, you're totally right.

It just sucks because...there's like..not any way to fix it, unless he decides to work on it with you? And it doesn't seem like he is willing to.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

upside down
rhinestonebliss
Good golly, the name is Molly
Website

Latest Month

February 2011
S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728     

Page Summary

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by chasethestars