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Stupid emotions

So on Sunday I found out that a kid I went to high school with passed away. His name was Jeff and he was only 19. I wouldn't say that I was friends with Jeff, but we knew each other by name because he was Sean's friend. They don't know what caused Jeff to die. He just didn't wake up. It's sad and its scary, but him passing is upsetting me because I see Sean going the same way. And my heart would break if I ever heard that news. They won't know how Jeff died till later this week, but i'm can make a good guess that it was some sort or drug overdose. He was known to pop pills among other things. He was Sean's dealer (he had like five) in high school. I don't think Sean ever got anything besides weed from him, but still. Jeff knew how to get shit. I've seen this kid pass out cold at a party because he drank so much and he told me how he had to get his stomach pumped freshmen year. He didn't pay attention to his limits. Don't get me wrong, I am sad that he passed away. It kills me to see kids i know not be here anymore. We haven't even lived half our lives yet. I guess it just scares me because Sean did/does exactly what Jeff did. 

Sean going deeper and deeper into drugs in why we aren't friends anymore. I'm not okay with anyone dropping acid or snorting cocaine. I'm so torn because I feel like if something ever happened to Sean I would feel partly responsible. Like...I should have been that bitchy friend to the end telling him to stop, but I don't think that would do any good. As much as I considered Sean my best friend, I often think that I was barely a friend to him at times. I saw him everyday. I told him everything...almost everything. It was obvious to everyone else on the planet that I was head over heels in love with this boy, but I never had the guts to tell him that. I think at times maybe he questioned that I liked him but he never said anything...and neither did I. 

Sean made me laugh. That's the main reason why I fell for him so hard. He could always make me smile, even when I tried my hardest to be mad at him. I couldn't do it. He wasn't afraid to say stupid shit to get people to laugh. We could carry on "what if" stories for hours and crack up about nothing. I never had any drama with Sean. Ever. I think Sean truly only values a few friendships...everything just rolled off his shoulders. A lot of people didn't like Sean. He was a dick...which is probably true to the people who didn't like him, but they also didn't know how to deal with him. Just give his shit right back to him, you just can't be a bitch about everything when it comes to sean. Half of the things that come out of his mouth he doesn't mean. He says things to get a laugh. 

...There I go again trying to justify his actions. I want to believe so badly that the old Sean is somewhere inside of him, but me hoping doesn't mean shit. He choose drugs over our friendship and that's something i'm still dealing with. You could ask Jocelyn and Ariel and they could tell you i'd drop everything to help that kid. I think i just wanted him to see what was right in front of him...maybe i was just too short and he couldn't see me. Everything changed when he started doing harder drugs. The last time I hung out with him he wasn't all there, ya know? Like mentally. He fucked his brain up hard. He doesn't hang out with anyone "clean". All his friends are drug users. I'm sure he got tired of other people telling him that he's ruining everything in his life, so he chose to befriend those exactly like him. 

Jeff was just like him. Jeff was better at hiding his addictions though. That's why everyone is so shocked that he passed. I mean, I was too when I first heard about it, but after thinking about it, I wasn't really shocked anymore. Sean doesn't even hide the fact that he does drugs to his parents or from his little sister. He told me he just wanted to move far away because he had nothing in Colorado for him. He said that his parents don't even look him in the eyes anymore. That's just fucking sad to me. He knows he's a big disappointment but he still does this stupid shit? I don't even know if he knows that Jeff passed away. I hope he does though. I want Jeff's passing to be an eye opener for him, but I don't think it will be. I think he'll just deny that his addictions (im pretty sure he doesn't consider himself an addict either) were ever as bad as Jeff's be in reality, I feel like they are worse than Jeff's. I think Jeff's luck finally ran out when it came to mixing drugs...and you know that's what is so fucking scary about dropping acid and other shit. Just one time can kill you. Why would they even risk it? I just don't understand that feeling high for like an hour or so is worth life. You could never make me see that point of view. I don't want to ever find out that Sean died unexpectedly. I honestly don't know what I would do with myself. Even though we aren't friends anymore I just want the best for him. I always told myself that as long as he was happy and good in life than I could just accept that we both moved on. He does drugs, fine, whatever, but he's still alive. Just knowing that he's still breathing air is comforting to me, but hell i don't even know if he is or not. I do feel that if something did happen to him I would find out soon after it happened. 

I'm worried about him. I just want him to stop whatever is it he in doing to his mind and body. I know he can be happy without it because I've seen him without it. I want him to see that he can be happy without it. I just want him to wake up in the morning. Is that dumb? Should i not feel this strongly about it? I don't want anyone to have an ending like Jeff. I want to try to talk to Sean just one more time to see if he would even respond, but i don't know if he'd even read my messages on facebook. I already feel like my heart is breaking and nothing has happened yet to make it feel this way. I don't know what to do. I don't know if its the right thing to try to talk to him again, or if i am just wasting my time and my emotions on someone who stopped caring about me a long time ago. 


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 12th, 2011 12:25 am (UTC)
The only moment I have been like "Bam, I shiningly messed up, there is no black and white, I was a shitty friend..." was when I didn't be the bitchy friend about drug use.If he's not in your life anymore, theres not a lot to lose writing him and telling him why.

You do have face it might mean nothing. It might also never mean anything YOU see, it might not effect him for 5, 10 years. But it also might start some sorta change.
Jan. 12th, 2011 01:24 am (UTC)
I very much agree with T: "If he's not in your life anymore, there's not a lot to lose writing him and telling why."
Although, even if you decide not to write him again...you aren't in any way responsible for what he does.

I don't think it's bad or wrong for you to still be attached. You're not trying to make what he does okay. And it's not like you can just turn caring about someone on and off.

He was stupid to choose drugs over you. He doesn't know what he's missing.

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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